How to talk to your aging parents about money

Money talks can churn up all kinds of emotions, especially when the discussion is with your parents—and particularly as they (and you) get older. If you're concerned about their finances but aren't sure how to pursue the subject, don't twist yourself up emotionally. Instead, pre-plan what you're going to say and approach the conversation with all the love you feel for your parents. Here's how to get started.

Don't go it alone

If you have adult siblings, ask them to join you in speaking with your parents. Parents have a slightly different relationship with each of their children, and they may feel more comfortable opening up to one than the others. However, before meeting with your folks, make sure all siblings are on the same page. Disagreeing with each other in front of your mom or dad could make the situation far worse than it needs to be. 

If it's clear that your parents are no longer able to afford to live in their current home, bring a trusted family member or friend to join in on the discussion. For example, it may be an older aunt or uncle, the family pastor, a dear old friend, or someone else your parents trust. 

Be clear about your concern, but don't belabor the subject. Share your feelings and give your parents room to share theirs. 

Get ahead of the issue

When a big issue arises, your parents may be under duress and unwilling to discuss the situation. Given the anxiety they’re likely feeling, that’s to be expected. If possible, have open conversations with them before the waters get too rough. In other words, while they still live at home without assistance, ask if they've ever thought about what they would like to do if the time comes when they need help. 

Ideally, the casual question will open the door to a conversation and your parents can begin to share their vision of the future. Spitballing ideas is far less stressful than trying to come up with a solution after something has gone wrong. 

Actively listen

Let's say your parents have never mentioned an estate plan. Rather than tell them they "should" have a last will and testament, you might say something like, "The older I get, the more I realize that I want to be the one who decides what happens to my money and belongings after I'm gone. While I was having my will drawn up, I realized we've never spoken about whether you have one. I'm asking because I want the entire family to be sure that we're carrying out your wishes when the time comes."

You may have to start the conversation, but your primary job is to listen to your parents' wishes. Even if you disagree with what they say, remind yourself that it's their lives. Everyone—no matter the age—wants to feel as though they're in control of their lives. It's natural to feel vulnerable if they fear losing independence.

Don't be discouraged if your parents don't respond right away or even get angry that you asked. You've raised the subject, and now they have time to think about it when they’re alone. 

Go in without expectations

The worst thing you can do is decide in advance how you want this discussion to go. Humans react in all sorts of ways to difficult conversations, so give your parents grace and remove any expectations. If you go in believing that you'll have all the details of their finances and living situation hammered out by the time you leave, you'll leave disappointed, and they'll be upset. 

Instead, keep it relaxed and comfortable. Let them know if they're not ready to talk, you can wait. If they mention that they would like a little extra help with something, like taking over the monthly budget, make it clear that you'll do whatever they need. 

Have resources available

Be prepared to be shut down. After all, you're asking the people who wiped your nose and changed your diapers to share financial information that may be sensitive or embarrassing. If they've always been private about financial matters, don't expect that to change now. They're used to making decisions for themselves, and the idea of someone else helping make those decisions may leave them feeling shaky.

Your job is to hear them out and, ultimately, make life easier for them. For instance, if your parents mention they'd like to stay in the home as they age, have a list of local in-home care resources. If they say they’re interested in an active living community, be ready to suggest several you can visit together. If the only concern your mom and dad mention is a lingering debt, offer to help them find a way to pay it off. 

It's an adjustment for everyone

Seeing your parents struggle physically or financially may be hard for you and your siblings. For your parents, there may be grief or shame associated—especially if they have debt that might be causing them embarrassment. After all, it feels like yesterday they were young and taking on the world. It's an adjustment for everyone. 

Talking to your parents about money may involve many discussions over many months. Unless your parents are in immediate financial jeopardy, it's okay to take it slow and let them call the shots whenever possible.

However, if you believe your mom or dad is suffering financial abuse at the hands of a family member, friend, or caregiver, it's time to step in by calling Adult Protective Services (APS) in their area. You can also call the non-emergency number for your local police or sheriff's office to file a report. Once the dust has settled, report financial abuse to the local district attorney's office. 

When it comes to addressing financial concerns with your parents, the golden rule applies. Treat them the way you hope someone will treat you as you age.